You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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