Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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