Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
