the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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