please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
