I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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