He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
