I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
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Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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