Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
