Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
