Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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