Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
