I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
