i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize