i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
