John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She needs sedatives and a leash
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
