at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
