I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
