im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
