I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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