i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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