We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
