WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
