I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Im part way to drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
