Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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