Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
