It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize