My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
