I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
