It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
COCAINE IS GR8
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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