I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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