I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
