I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
