I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
