I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
