There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
