Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
