yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
