please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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