I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
