Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
