OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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