I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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