I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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