I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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