Whod you bang
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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