He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
