maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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