You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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