as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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