i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
