My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
