Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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