why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
