he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
