Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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