The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
