I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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