Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
