Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
