He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
