Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
